The Year I Remember

It has been almost two years since I left my old school. I have never felt better about myself and my life until these past few months. The other day was the first time I had sex sober and actually wanted to. I know that sounds sad, but all my past experiences I have either been drunk or high and not really in the right mind set. There is this guy I am truly interested in and have been for awhile now, but my anxiety usually gets ahead of me and makes me overthink things. With my anxiety, I either overthink things or not think at all and tend to over talk or say the wrong things. I don't want to mess whatever it is between me and him.

The Year's I Don't Remember Pt.11

Content Warning: This article mentions topics such as sexual assault, anxiety, depression, and death. "If you’re thinking about suicide, are worried about a friend or loved one, or would like emotional support, the Lifeline network is available 24/7 across the United States. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255)."

I feel like such a slut. I have had sex with two different guys this weekend after I promised myself I wasn't going to hook up (have sex) with anyone unless I was actually with them. When I said "actually with them", I am defining it as me being exclusive with them or we are both equally invested. When it comes to sex, sometimes I just feel uncomfortable saying no because I already started making out with them and feel like I will be leading them on. I put myself in these situations sometimes when I can avoid it. I hate how guys always think because you want to hang out and are nice, that you want to have sex with them. Every time I have sex I am in disengaged or drunk. I have only had sex sober once and that was with that guy same who is a douche. I think it is because we texted a lot and I felt like he liked me as much as I liked him. I just don't want to keep repeating past actions. Thoughts?

The Year's I Don't Remember Pt.10

Content Warning: This article mentions topics such as sexual assault, anxiety, depression, and death. "If you’re thinking about suicide, are worried about a friend or loved one, or would like emotional support, the Lifeline network is available 24/7 across the United States. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255)."

It has been almost two months since I started my new school. This is the happiest I have ever been, my medicine is finally working, I am getting sleep (somewhat), making friends, and finally eating normally. Ever since I discovered I was sexually assaulted, my relationship with guys has been different. I can only have sex with someone if I am drunk or high because it makes me anxious if I am sober. I started hooking up with this guy named Sam and it has been a consistent thing when we are drunk, but I started getting feelings for him. He doesn't want a relationship or anything on those lines and just wants a friend with benefits. The problem is with doing friends with benefits is that me and him don't hang out sober to even say we are friends. It is just hooking up drunk on the weekend and I hate that he only wants to hang out when he is drunk. I talked to him about it and I actually told him why I am sometimes disengaged when we have sex and he "understood".  I don't necessarily want a relationship, but I don't want to feel used. I don't know why I told him. Maybe because I wanted him to understand why I acted this way when we had sex. I thought this would maybe help our friendship or whatever it is/was in him understanding why I act a certain way, but it didn't and I ended up sharing my deepest darkest secret to someone that doesn't even deserve to know. However, after thinking about it, it shouldn't be something I am ashamed of. It wasn't my fault and I know that, but I still blame myself.

The Years' I Don't Remember Pt.9

“If I didn’t define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people’s fantasies and eaten alive.” –Audre Lorde, Sister Outsider

            Defining myself could be in regards to my gender, sexuality, race, or virginal status. All these categories that are said to “define” us, are all sociologically constructed. We are the ones that create these beliefs about the world and actively construct ourselves in society; these beliefs then create the reality (what is seen as normal) of the world. Because I have taken sociology classes before, I understand that all these categories are influenced by society, which is why I don’t follow these so called “rules” that we have created.  

I define myself to be a feminist. As a feminist, I agree with Estelle Freedman, who uses the term “equal worth,” rather than equality as her definition of feminism. The term equality supports the idea that we raise women up to men’s standards. However, by using the term “equal worth,” it encompasses that we value both qualities in a man and women and try to adopt both together.

            What constitutes a sexual act varies based on time, space, region, and culture. Virginity has different definitions, depending on where one is in the world. We learn about sexuality through culture and socialization. Through our manipulative society, virginity loss refers to as a vaginal-penile intercourse; inferring that this has to be a man and a woman. After reading the article, “The Ambiguity of Sex and Virginity Loss,” by Laura M Carpenter, I have understood that ones definition on virginity loss is up to each person individually to define. I have come to conclude that I can reclaim my virginity and not be “crunched into other people’s fantasies” (Lorde). Reclaiming my virginity is for myself, not for anyone else’s benefit, concern, or acceptance. This is what Carpenter defines as “secondary virginity” (Sex, Gender, and Sexuality 45). Next time, when someone decides to ask me, “How many guys have you had sex with?” I will merely just explain to them that sex is socially constructed and virginity loss is only a way for society to oppress women into another category.

            Virginity loss reinforces the ideology of heternormativity. In Disney movies there is always a King and Queen, which enforces that all relationships should be heterosexual. Even at a young age we are introduced to these social constructions of heterosexuality. In Cinderella, a white wedding is implemented; this Disney movie focuses on treating young girls as objects before they even hit puberty. The white wedding consists of signifying sexual purity; hence the reason women wear white dresses and have their father walk them down the isle- as if they are giving them away (as if an object/present). For these reasons, I refuse to follow these “rules” society has pushed on young women like me and have pushed back by educating other women about these views.

            I refuse to conform to these standards that society has given us women. I refuse to give a numbered answer when someone asks, “How many guys have you had sex with?” I refuse to be categorized and sexualized. I refuse to have a white wedding. I refuse to give in to people’s beliefs or so called “standards” society has pushed on them. I refuse to be treated as an object, a sexual desire, as a label, as less than. There will always be people belittling my emotions, actions, and physical appearance; however, as long as I know who I am and what I stand for, that is all that matters.

The Years' I Don't Remember Pt.8

Content Warning: This article mentions topics such as sexual assault, anxiety, depression, and death. "If you’re thinking about suicide, are worried about a friend or loved one, or would like emotional support, the Lifeline network is available 24/7 across the United States. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255)."

Here is a section of an article I have read recently.
The link is posted below.

The definition reads in full:

Coercion is the use of emotional manipulation to persuade someone to something they may not want to do — like being sexual or performing certain sexual acts.  Examples of some coercive statements include: “If you love me you would have sex with me .”, “If you don’t have sex with me I will find someone who will.”, and “I’m not sure I can be with someone who doesn’t want to have sex with me.”  Coercive statements are often part of many campus acquaintance rapes.  Being coerced into having sex or performing sexual acts is not consenting to having sex and is considered rape/sexual assault.

http://www.theblaze.com/news/2016/12/01/university-declares-emotional-manipulation-to-be-rape/