The Years' I Don't Remember Pt.9

“If I didn’t define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people’s fantasies and eaten alive.” –Audre Lorde, Sister Outsider

            Defining myself could be in regards to my gender, sexuality, race, or virginal status. All these categories that are said to “define” us, are all sociologically constructed. We are the ones that create these beliefs about the world and actively construct ourselves in society; these beliefs then create the reality (what is seen as normal) of the world. Because I have taken sociology classes before, I understand that all these categories are influenced by society, which is why I don’t follow these so called “rules” that we have created.  

I define myself to be a feminist. As a feminist, I agree with Estelle Freedman, who uses the term “equal worth,” rather than equality as her definition of feminism. The term equality supports the idea that we raise women up to men’s standards. However, by using the term “equal worth,” it encompasses that we value both qualities in a man and women and try to adopt both together.

            What constitutes a sexual act varies based on time, space, region, and culture. Virginity has different definitions, depending on where one is in the world. We learn about sexuality through culture and socialization. Through our manipulative society, virginity loss refers to as a vaginal-penile intercourse; inferring that this has to be a man and a woman. After reading the article, “The Ambiguity of Sex and Virginity Loss,” by Laura M Carpenter, I have understood that ones definition on virginity loss is up to each person individually to define. I have come to conclude that I can reclaim my virginity and not be “crunched into other people’s fantasies” (Lorde). Reclaiming my virginity is for myself, not for anyone else’s benefit, concern, or acceptance. This is what Carpenter defines as “secondary virginity” (Sex, Gender, and Sexuality 45). Next time, when someone decides to ask me, “How many guys have you had sex with?” I will merely just explain to them that sex is socially constructed and virginity loss is only a way for society to oppress women into another category.

            Virginity loss reinforces the ideology of heternormativity. In Disney movies there is always a King and Queen, which enforces that all relationships should be heterosexual. Even at a young age we are introduced to these social constructions of heterosexuality. In Cinderella, a white wedding is implemented; this Disney movie focuses on treating young girls as objects before they even hit puberty. The white wedding consists of signifying sexual purity; hence the reason women wear white dresses and have their father walk them down the isle- as if they are giving them away (as if an object/present). For these reasons, I refuse to follow these “rules” society has pushed on young women like me and have pushed back by educating other women about these views.

            I refuse to conform to these standards that society has given us women. I refuse to give a numbered answer when someone asks, “How many guys have you had sex with?” I refuse to be categorized and sexualized. I refuse to have a white wedding. I refuse to give in to people’s beliefs or so called “standards” society has pushed on them. I refuse to be treated as an object, a sexual desire, as a label, as less than. There will always be people belittling my emotions, actions, and physical appearance; however, as long as I know who I am and what I stand for, that is all that matters.