The Year's I Don't Remember Pt.10

Content Warning: This article mentions topics such as sexual assault, anxiety, depression, and death. "If you’re thinking about suicide, are worried about a friend or loved one, or would like emotional support, the Lifeline network is available 24/7 across the United States. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255)."

It has been almost two months since I started my new school. This is the happiest I have ever been, my medicine is finally working, I am getting sleep (somewhat), making friends, and finally eating normally. Ever since I discovered I was sexually assaulted, my relationship with guys has been different. I can only have sex with someone if I am drunk or high because it makes me anxious if I am sober. I started hooking up with this guy named Sam and it has been a consistent thing when we are drunk, but I started getting feelings for him. He doesn't want a relationship or anything on those lines and just wants a friend with benefits. The problem is with doing friends with benefits is that me and him don't hang out sober to even say we are friends. It is just hooking up drunk on the weekend and I hate that he only wants to hang out when he is drunk. I talked to him about it and I actually told him why I am sometimes disengaged when we have sex and he "understood".  I don't necessarily want a relationship, but I don't want to feel used. I don't know why I told him. Maybe because I wanted him to understand why I acted this way when we had sex. I thought this would maybe help our friendship or whatever it is/was in him understanding why I act a certain way, but it didn't and I ended up sharing my deepest darkest secret to someone that doesn't even deserve to know. However, after thinking about it, it shouldn't be something I am ashamed of. It wasn't my fault and I know that, but I still blame myself.