The Years' I Don't Remember Pt.2

Content Warning: This article mentions topics such as sexual assault, anxiety, depression, and death. "If you’re thinking about suicide, are worried about a friend or loved one, or would like emotional support, the Lifeline network is available 24/7 across the United States. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline  (1-800-273-8255)." 

I was driving around aimlessly in attempt to get my mind off suicidal thoughts of driving my car into a tree. I ended up driving to Nicks home- a boy who I hung out with only one time before, but with a group of friends. I exited the car teary eyed hoping I would feel safer with him, however, this was not the case. So now, what do I remember? That is the problem. When I have a bad experience I try to make it disappear and I slowly lose those memories. The parts that I do remember are not in order, it is all a little blurry. I know I was upset while we were lying in his bed watching television, when he started to kiss me and things escalated. 

These are the things I remember but they are not in order...  

1. Nick going down on me
2. Him asking me if I was sure I wanted to have sex and me saying yes 
3. Nick lifting my legs during sex while he was standing up on the side of the bed 
4. Feeling numb as if my mind was somewhere else 
5. Laying on top of him while he asked multiple times for me to give him oral 
6. I said no multiple times that I didn't want to 
7. He continued with saying things such as "I went down on you", "I am a teenage boy with a beautiful girl on top of me, what do you expect", "Well now you have to finish me off", or "You can't leave me like this" 
8. Him pushing my head down 
9. I felt disgusted 
10. Taking a shower to get the blood off 
11. Looking into the mirror 

I never thought my first time for everything would be that day. After talking to my therapist, she looked at it a different way. How at that time, that was the best option for me in the state I was in and that it was better for me to have the sexual encounter than crash my car into a tree. Although this is true looking at it through her perspective, I still felt violated even though I agreed to having sexual intercourse with him. Ever since that day, I have been uncomfortable with any oral sex and have used sex to take the pain away and feel like I was worth something. This ended up becoming a pattern that has continued until now; the age of 20. 

*Names were changed to protect the privacy of others