The Years' I Don't Remember Pt.7

Content Warning: This article mentions topics such as sexual assault, anxiety, depression, and death. "If you’re thinking about suicide, are worried about a friend or loved one, or would like emotional support, the Lifeline network is available 24/7 across the United States. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255)."

http://greatist.com/live/powerful-photo-project-captures-stories-of-sexual-assault-survivors

The Years' I Don't Remember Pt.6

Content Warning: This article mentions topics such as sexual assault, anxiety, depression, and death. "If you’re thinking about suicide, are worried about a friend or loved one, or would like emotional support, the Lifeline network is available 24/7 across the United States. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255)."

"I didn't drink a lot that night," said Brad. "So you weren't drunk that night?" I asked. "Nah I mean I drank that night but I wasn't fucked up by any means," he replied.  I was really drunk that night when I went to Brads room. I remember it was difficult to walk straight and everything started to become a bit of a blur as I walked in my heels passed the quad; I was so out of it when I got to his room. I only remember a few brief moments...

1.  When we were both naked and he was on top of me
2.  I woke up and he was spooning me 

After I woke up, I quickly got out of his bed and tried to get out of there as soon as I could. I started to put my clothes on when he asked me, "Where are you going?"  I don't know what I said after he asked me that, but what I do know is that it was the middle of the night when I walked home. When I walked passed the quad after leaving his room, I remember I had bad anxiety, I was breathing very heavily, my eyes were watery, and I was walking as quickly as I could to get to my room. Continuing our conversation over text, Brad wrote, "Why do you ask? Both me's are a great time anyways. Lmao."

The Years' I Don't Remember Pt.5

Content Warning: This article mentions topics such as sexual assault, anxiety, depression, and death. "If you’re thinking about suicide, are worried about a friend or loved one, or would like emotional support, the Lifeline network is available 24/7 across the United States. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255)."

I asked Kyle a few months ago about what happened that night. Our conversation goes exactly as follows... 

Kyle: I feel like if we ever did anything sexual, you would become all weird
Me: Do you remember you fingering me after tour de frenzia...
Kyle: Oh shit. I do. Well good point. But we were intoxicated. I meant sober
You were like moaning and like grinding on my dick. 😂😂
You remember that 
Me: No I wasn't 
I was black out I told you no
Don't you remember 
Kyle: What?!
No I don't.
Shit my bad!
Me: I was grinding on your dick?
Kyle: Why didn't you tell me?
And yea. It was a blur. I doubt I was dreaming but if I was then I guess so. 
I feel so bad! You said no. 
Me: I don't remember 
Kyle: Oh God 
Me: Yea I know I said no. 
Kyle: I'm sorry. 
Why didn't you tell me 
Me: All I remember is you trying to finger me and I said no stop and then I passed out
Kyle: I was bugging out when we were sober
Me: Huh
Kyle: I'm saying when we were sober. Why didn't you tell me I was bugging out
I feel bad now. 
Oh God
Me: Cause I didn't know 
Kyle: I think I stopped 
Didn't I 
Me: I didn't want it to be awkward I didn't know how to bring it up 
I don't know I passed out 
Kyle: I'm pretty sure I did. Well I hope so. We didn't do anything else. So I'm assuming so
I feel bad. Jesus 
Me: I don't remember 
All I remember is you fingering me and me saying no
Kyle: Neither do I. I remember the fingering part but when we woke up. My hands were not near you. So I think I stopped. I'm not sure 
Well why did you bring that up? 
Me: I am not sure 
Cause I had to know
Kyle: Yeah so are we still cool 
Me: Yea 
Kyle: Kinda awkward now. Haha but see what alcohol does 
Me: Yea we were both drunk
Kyle: But like I said. If we did anything sexual I feel like you would be weird about. SOBER 
It* 

The Years' I Don't Remember Pt.4

Content Warning: This article mentions topics such as sexual assault, anxiety, depression, and death. "If you’re thinking about suicide, are worried about a friend or loved one, or would like emotional support, the Lifeline network is available 24/7 across the United States. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255)."


It was senior week at my college. Every year the senior class gathers at someones house for the "Tour de Franzia" party. Everyone had to have a partner, wear matching outfits, and split a bag of wine between the two of them. I was partnered with one of my friends named Kyle that hot summer day when we both shared the bag of Franzia. I was so wasted that I threw up in the woods. Towards the end of the party I was sitting in the chair on the lawn until some of friends told me we had to leave because the police were there. I walked towards the dorms with my friends and remember going to Kyle's room to relax before the night started. We both ended up laying next to each other on his old roommates bed talking- the bed didn't even have sheets because his roommate left for the semester. I remember he started moving his hand towards my shorts, when I told him I didn't want to do anything; his hands kept going down further. I kept saying no, but his hands were still in my pants. I was so drunk that I was in that stage where the room was spinning. The last thing I remember from that day was him fingering me, me saying no, and then the room went dark.

I fell asleep.

The Years' I Don't Remember Pt.3

Content Warning: This article mentions topics such as sexual assault, anxiety, depression, and death. "If you’re thinking about suicide, are worried about a friend or loved one, or would like emotional support, the Lifeline network is available 24/7 across the United States. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline  (1-800-273-8255)." 

A boy in my grade named Zane called me one night and left a voicemail on my phone. "No one would care if you killed yourself", he said. Surprisingly, I had the confidence to tell my mom and her friend about the frightening voicemail I had received. There we were in the school classroom listening to the voicemail in awe. No one ever reported the voicemail and I regret not doing it myself. I will never forget that my mother never did anything about it and I don't know if I can ever forgive her for that. 


*Names were changed to protect the privacy of others