The Year I Remember

It has been almost two years since I left my old school. I have never felt better about myself and my life until these past few months. The other day was the first time I had sex sober and actually wanted to. I know that sounds sad, but all my past experiences I have either been drunk or high and not really in the right mind set. There is this guy I am truly interested in and have been for awhile now, but my anxiety usually gets ahead of me and makes me overthink things. With my anxiety, I either overthink things or not think at all and tend to over talk or say the wrong things. I don't want to mess whatever it is between me and him.

The Year's I Don't Remember Pt.11

Content Warning: This article mentions topics such as sexual assault, anxiety, depression, and death. "If you’re thinking about suicide, are worried about a friend or loved one, or would like emotional support, the Lifeline network is available 24/7 across the United States. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255)."

I feel like such a slut. I have had sex with two different guys this weekend after I promised myself I wasn't going to hook up (have sex) with anyone unless I was actually with them. When I said "actually with them", I am defining it as me being exclusive with them or we are both equally invested. When it comes to sex, sometimes I just feel uncomfortable saying no because I already started making out with them and feel like I will be leading them on. I put myself in these situations sometimes when I can avoid it. I hate how guys always think because you want to hang out and are nice, that you want to have sex with them. Every time I have sex I am in disengaged or drunk. I have only had sex sober once and that was with that guy same who is a douche. I think it is because we texted a lot and I felt like he liked me as much as I liked him. I just don't want to keep repeating past actions. Thoughts?

The Year's I Don't Remember Pt.10

Content Warning: This article mentions topics such as sexual assault, anxiety, depression, and death. "If you’re thinking about suicide, are worried about a friend or loved one, or would like emotional support, the Lifeline network is available 24/7 across the United States. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255)."

It has been almost two months since I started my new school. This is the happiest I have ever been, my medicine is finally working, I am getting sleep (somewhat), making friends, and finally eating normally. Ever since I discovered I was sexually assaulted, my relationship with guys has been different. I can only have sex with someone if I am drunk or high because it makes me anxious if I am sober. I started hooking up with this guy named Sam and it has been a consistent thing when we are drunk, but I started getting feelings for him. He doesn't want a relationship or anything on those lines and just wants a friend with benefits. The problem is with doing friends with benefits is that me and him don't hang out sober to even say we are friends. It is just hooking up drunk on the weekend and I hate that he only wants to hang out when he is drunk. I talked to him about it and I actually told him why I am sometimes disengaged when we have sex and he "understood".  I don't necessarily want a relationship, but I don't want to feel used. I don't know why I told him. Maybe because I wanted him to understand why I acted this way when we had sex. I thought this would maybe help our friendship or whatever it is/was in him understanding why I act a certain way, but it didn't and I ended up sharing my deepest darkest secret to someone that doesn't even deserve to know. However, after thinking about it, it shouldn't be something I am ashamed of. It wasn't my fault and I know that, but I still blame myself.

The Years' I Don't Remember Pt.9

“If I didn’t define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people’s fantasies and eaten alive.” –Audre Lorde, Sister Outsider

            Defining myself could be in regards to my gender, sexuality, race, or virginal status. All these categories that are said to “define” us, are all sociologically constructed. We are the ones that create these beliefs about the world and actively construct ourselves in society; these beliefs then create the reality (what is seen as normal) of the world. Because I have taken sociology classes before, I understand that all these categories are influenced by society, which is why I don’t follow these so called “rules” that we have created.  

I define myself to be a feminist. As a feminist, I agree with Estelle Freedman, who uses the term “equal worth,” rather than equality as her definition of feminism. The term equality supports the idea that we raise women up to men’s standards. However, by using the term “equal worth,” it encompasses that we value both qualities in a man and women and try to adopt both together.

            What constitutes a sexual act varies based on time, space, region, and culture. Virginity has different definitions, depending on where one is in the world. We learn about sexuality through culture and socialization. Through our manipulative society, virginity loss refers to as a vaginal-penile intercourse; inferring that this has to be a man and a woman. After reading the article, “The Ambiguity of Sex and Virginity Loss,” by Laura M Carpenter, I have understood that ones definition on virginity loss is up to each person individually to define. I have come to conclude that I can reclaim my virginity and not be “crunched into other people’s fantasies” (Lorde). Reclaiming my virginity is for myself, not for anyone else’s benefit, concern, or acceptance. This is what Carpenter defines as “secondary virginity” (Sex, Gender, and Sexuality 45). Next time, when someone decides to ask me, “How many guys have you had sex with?” I will merely just explain to them that sex is socially constructed and virginity loss is only a way for society to oppress women into another category.

            Virginity loss reinforces the ideology of heternormativity. In Disney movies there is always a King and Queen, which enforces that all relationships should be heterosexual. Even at a young age we are introduced to these social constructions of heterosexuality. In Cinderella, a white wedding is implemented; this Disney movie focuses on treating young girls as objects before they even hit puberty. The white wedding consists of signifying sexual purity; hence the reason women wear white dresses and have their father walk them down the isle- as if they are giving them away (as if an object/present). For these reasons, I refuse to follow these “rules” society has pushed on young women like me and have pushed back by educating other women about these views.

            I refuse to conform to these standards that society has given us women. I refuse to give a numbered answer when someone asks, “How many guys have you had sex with?” I refuse to be categorized and sexualized. I refuse to have a white wedding. I refuse to give in to people’s beliefs or so called “standards” society has pushed on them. I refuse to be treated as an object, a sexual desire, as a label, as less than. There will always be people belittling my emotions, actions, and physical appearance; however, as long as I know who I am and what I stand for, that is all that matters.

The Years' I Don't Remember Pt.8

Content Warning: This article mentions topics such as sexual assault, anxiety, depression, and death. "If you’re thinking about suicide, are worried about a friend or loved one, or would like emotional support, the Lifeline network is available 24/7 across the United States. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255)."

Here is a section of an article I have read recently.
The link is posted below.

The definition reads in full:

Coercion is the use of emotional manipulation to persuade someone to something they may not want to do — like being sexual or performing certain sexual acts.  Examples of some coercive statements include: “If you love me you would have sex with me .”, “If you don’t have sex with me I will find someone who will.”, and “I’m not sure I can be with someone who doesn’t want to have sex with me.”  Coercive statements are often part of many campus acquaintance rapes.  Being coerced into having sex or performing sexual acts is not consenting to having sex and is considered rape/sexual assault.

http://www.theblaze.com/news/2016/12/01/university-declares-emotional-manipulation-to-be-rape/

The Years' I Don't Remember Pt.7

Content Warning: This article mentions topics such as sexual assault, anxiety, depression, and death. "If you’re thinking about suicide, are worried about a friend or loved one, or would like emotional support, the Lifeline network is available 24/7 across the United States. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255)."

http://greatist.com/live/powerful-photo-project-captures-stories-of-sexual-assault-survivors

The Years' I Don't Remember Pt.6

Content Warning: This article mentions topics such as sexual assault, anxiety, depression, and death. "If you’re thinking about suicide, are worried about a friend or loved one, or would like emotional support, the Lifeline network is available 24/7 across the United States. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255)."

"I didn't drink a lot that night," said Brad. "So you weren't drunk that night?" I asked. "Nah I mean I drank that night but I wasn't fucked up by any means," he replied.  I was really drunk that night when I went to Brads room. I remember it was difficult to walk straight and everything started to become a bit of a blur as I walked in my heels passed the quad; I was so out of it when I got to his room. I only remember a few brief moments...

1.  When we were both naked and he was on top of me
2.  I woke up and he was spooning me 

After I woke up, I quickly got out of his bed and tried to get out of there as soon as I could. I started to put my clothes on when he asked me, "Where are you going?"  I don't know what I said after he asked me that, but what I do know is that it was the middle of the night when I walked home. When I walked passed the quad after leaving his room, I remember I had bad anxiety, I was breathing very heavily, my eyes were watery, and I was walking as quickly as I could to get to my room. Continuing our conversation over text, Brad wrote, "Why do you ask? Both me's are a great time anyways. Lmao."

The Years' I Don't Remember Pt.5

Content Warning: This article mentions topics such as sexual assault, anxiety, depression, and death. "If you’re thinking about suicide, are worried about a friend or loved one, or would like emotional support, the Lifeline network is available 24/7 across the United States. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255)."

I asked Kyle a few months ago about what happened that night. Our conversation goes exactly as follows... 

Kyle: I feel like if we ever did anything sexual, you would become all weird
Me: Do you remember you fingering me after tour de frenzia...
Kyle: Oh shit. I do. Well good point. But we were intoxicated. I meant sober
You were like moaning and like grinding on my dick. 😂😂
You remember that 
Me: No I wasn't 
I was black out I told you no
Don't you remember 
Kyle: What?!
No I don't.
Shit my bad!
Me: I was grinding on your dick?
Kyle: Why didn't you tell me?
And yea. It was a blur. I doubt I was dreaming but if I was then I guess so. 
I feel so bad! You said no. 
Me: I don't remember 
Kyle: Oh God 
Me: Yea I know I said no. 
Kyle: I'm sorry. 
Why didn't you tell me 
Me: All I remember is you trying to finger me and I said no stop and then I passed out
Kyle: I was bugging out when we were sober
Me: Huh
Kyle: I'm saying when we were sober. Why didn't you tell me I was bugging out
I feel bad now. 
Oh God
Me: Cause I didn't know 
Kyle: I think I stopped 
Didn't I 
Me: I didn't want it to be awkward I didn't know how to bring it up 
I don't know I passed out 
Kyle: I'm pretty sure I did. Well I hope so. We didn't do anything else. So I'm assuming so
I feel bad. Jesus 
Me: I don't remember 
All I remember is you fingering me and me saying no
Kyle: Neither do I. I remember the fingering part but when we woke up. My hands were not near you. So I think I stopped. I'm not sure 
Well why did you bring that up? 
Me: I am not sure 
Cause I had to know
Kyle: Yeah so are we still cool 
Me: Yea 
Kyle: Kinda awkward now. Haha but see what alcohol does 
Me: Yea we were both drunk
Kyle: But like I said. If we did anything sexual I feel like you would be weird about. SOBER 
It* 

The Years' I Don't Remember Pt.4

Content Warning: This article mentions topics such as sexual assault, anxiety, depression, and death. "If you’re thinking about suicide, are worried about a friend or loved one, or would like emotional support, the Lifeline network is available 24/7 across the United States. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255)."


It was senior week at my college. Every year the senior class gathers at someones house for the "Tour de Franzia" party. Everyone had to have a partner, wear matching outfits, and split a bag of wine between the two of them. I was partnered with one of my friends named Kyle that hot summer day when we both shared the bag of Franzia. I was so wasted that I threw up in the woods. Towards the end of the party I was sitting in the chair on the lawn until some of friends told me we had to leave because the police were there. I walked towards the dorms with my friends and remember going to Kyle's room to relax before the night started. We both ended up laying next to each other on his old roommates bed talking- the bed didn't even have sheets because his roommate left for the semester. I remember he started moving his hand towards my shorts, when I told him I didn't want to do anything; his hands kept going down further. I kept saying no, but his hands were still in my pants. I was so drunk that I was in that stage where the room was spinning. The last thing I remember from that day was him fingering me, me saying no, and then the room went dark.

I fell asleep.

The Years' I Don't Remember Pt.3

Content Warning: This article mentions topics such as sexual assault, anxiety, depression, and death. "If you’re thinking about suicide, are worried about a friend or loved one, or would like emotional support, the Lifeline network is available 24/7 across the United States. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline  (1-800-273-8255)." 

A boy in my grade named Zane called me one night and left a voicemail on my phone. "No one would care if you killed yourself", he said. Surprisingly, I had the confidence to tell my mom and her friend about the frightening voicemail I had received. There we were in the school classroom listening to the voicemail in awe. No one ever reported the voicemail and I regret not doing it myself. I will never forget that my mother never did anything about it and I don't know if I can ever forgive her for that. 


*Names were changed to protect the privacy of others

The Years' I Don't Remember Pt.2

Content Warning: This article mentions topics such as sexual assault, anxiety, depression, and death. "If you’re thinking about suicide, are worried about a friend or loved one, or would like emotional support, the Lifeline network is available 24/7 across the United States. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline  (1-800-273-8255)." 

I was driving around aimlessly in attempt to get my mind off suicidal thoughts of driving my car into a tree. I ended up driving to Nicks home- a boy who I hung out with only one time before, but with a group of friends. I exited the car teary eyed hoping I would feel safer with him, however, this was not the case. So now, what do I remember? That is the problem. When I have a bad experience I try to make it disappear and I slowly lose those memories. The parts that I do remember are not in order, it is all a little blurry. I know I was upset while we were lying in his bed watching television, when he started to kiss me and things escalated. 

These are the things I remember but they are not in order...  

1. Nick going down on me
2. Him asking me if I was sure I wanted to have sex and me saying yes 
3. Nick lifting my legs during sex while he was standing up on the side of the bed 
4. Feeling numb as if my mind was somewhere else 
5. Laying on top of him while he asked multiple times for me to give him oral 
6. I said no multiple times that I didn't want to 
7. He continued with saying things such as "I went down on you", "I am a teenage boy with a beautiful girl on top of me, what do you expect", "Well now you have to finish me off", or "You can't leave me like this" 
8. Him pushing my head down 
9. I felt disgusted 
10. Taking a shower to get the blood off 
11. Looking into the mirror 

I never thought my first time for everything would be that day. After talking to my therapist, she looked at it a different way. How at that time, that was the best option for me in the state I was in and that it was better for me to have the sexual encounter than crash my car into a tree. Although this is true looking at it through her perspective, I still felt violated even though I agreed to having sexual intercourse with him. Ever since that day, I have been uncomfortable with any oral sex and have used sex to take the pain away and feel like I was worth something. This ended up becoming a pattern that has continued until now; the age of 20. 

*Names were changed to protect the privacy of others

The Years' I Don't Remember Pt.1

Content Warning: This article mentions topics such as sexual assault, anxiety, depression, and death. "If you’re thinking about suicide, are worried about a friend or loved one, or would like emotional support, the Lifeline network is available 24/7 across the United States. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline  (1-800-273-8255)." 

There I was during Thanksgiving, sitting on my cousins bed trying to convince my friend Sam not to kill himself. It was the year where my flip phone was still in style. We were both extremely depressed just trying to confide in each other; until that night everything hit rock bottom. It was about 8'clock when I was sitting on the twin bed upstairs isolated from my family, when he told me specifically that he was going to find a gun and use it on himself.  How could I make someone feel better and not commit suicide if I didn't even want to be alive myself? I was 16 when I had to call the police from 155 miles away. I couldn't take a chance on a situation like this, I would rather be safe than sorry. If I was in his position I would want someone to do the same thing for me. To be honest I don't really remember that Thanksgiving of 2013 because I was that depressed. This is one of the only memories I have from that holiday week. The last thing I remember was lying in bed and being brought a dinner plate; after that was a blur. 

*Names were changed to protect the privacy of others